urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:astrodolly Be Quiet. astro 2008-02-23T04:44:05Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:astrodolly:36607 2008-02-23T04:42:42Z 2008-02-23T04:44:05Z toy attica test 1 2 3 4<br /><br />toy attica<br /><br />Toy Attica<br /><br />TOY ATTICA<br /><br />Toy attica<br /><br />toyattica<br /><br />toy attica<br /><br /><lj-embed id="1" /> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:astrodolly:36323 2007-05-21T07:41:05Z 2007-05-21T07:41:05Z new journal<br /><br />livejournal.com/~vomitxheart9 urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:astrodolly:35896 2007-03-29T02:33:14Z 2007-03-29T02:33:14Z there hasn't been anything to get me to care, but my own image. i can avoid a mirror all day, and be okay.<br />what gets me the most is that i'm still.... still the fattest one. the least attractive, not even remotely close to what i'd like to be.<br />but it's all my fault, and if i weren't so weak, i would be able to fix it, at least a little bit..<br />and i know where i stand and i know i must pay, ramen is very easy to purge.<br /><br />april first<br />april seven<br />april thirteen<br /><br />bye. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:astrodolly:35724 2007-03-23T06:08:37Z 2007-03-23T06:08:37Z <p>my house is getting remodeled, and my room is going clean, it's sad. at least we didn't do the mural thing on the wall yet, that would've have been really sad.. i stopped eating anything that's not vegan. it's good in a way, to lower my cholesterol and hopefully lose some weight, but it's bad to know that i'm going depriving myself even more of nutrients..which i'm fine with, since i like not having a period, which is why i'm not taking my vitamins.. but i guess the worse is knowing what i'm doing is bad. besides that, everything has been the usual lately.. i'm sad, bloated(makes me even more sad because it makes me feel fatter,) and have been listening to lots of thrash metal..for some reason. but today i listened to my breeders mix c.d. like three times in a row, and it makes me feel like...flowing with the wind more than i already do. i quit going to therapy, that's what's new. i'm doing cynthia's hair on sunday. saturday is always....interesting. it's the only day of the week that i look forward to, it's like the day that i can just relax and get out everything and LIVE..it's a w hole adventure. running, dancing, listening to music out loud in public, riding busses, little mexico, cigarettes, bums, strangers, drinks, weather, little tokyo, grocery shopping, trying new things, little tokyo, shops, acting, meeting new people, screaming, going on field trips, downtown, environment, taking photos, learning, writing, drawing, making your mark...living...</p><p>i had a dream that i was trapped on a spider's web along with other people..it was'nt our bodies, but our souls, the devil gave us another chance to live and get away, but he had us like magnets, ...pulling us closer back to him through the snowy playground. my friend's whole body turned into a black abyss, which meant death, and i asked him if she died in this dimension, was her body still alive in the earthly dimension..but he didn't answer me.</p><p>i've been staying at my grandma's place.. something was wrong with me, i was terribly sad..i didn't know what to do. then my guitar was brought to me, and i realized that's what was missing from my life.. i needed to play music, i play music all throughout the day, and not being able to pick up an instrument when i want was making me feel strange and depressed. i had a dream that my best friend was my enemy, and we saw an amazing performance with a man singing with a giant red cone on his head and flying around all throughout the streets..but i couldn't enjoy it as much as i should have because my friend was my enemy, and it made me feel uncomfortable and unsure what to do.</p><p>everyday, i go through stages of emotions. but most of all, i will just want to scream fuck you and make your world a living hell.</p> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:astrodolly:35552 2007-03-19T21:27:23Z 2007-03-19T21:27:23Z I got out of my bed at 2pm. I have nothing to wake up to, to look forward to. There is no point.<br /><br />She goes, "did you have breakfast?"<br />I say, "No."<br />She goes, "but breakfast is the most important meal of the day."<br />I say, "I can't eat, I have a double chin."<br />She goes, "Well then EXERCISE"<br /><br /><br />I see the unfairness in this, too. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:astrodolly:35161 2007-03-19T21:23:51Z 2007-03-19T21:23:51Z the stupid bitch is all for attention. if she didn't want anyone to hear her crying, then she wouldn't have cried so loud. if she didn't want it to be noticed, then she would not have came out of the bathroom to go to the kitchen still crying.<br /><br />hello, i cried a lot today. but i don't cry so fucking loud, and i don't let anyone see me. i don't want the fucking attention. i cry every fucking day, but i don't go out and scream and shit. she does it to draw attention to herself.<br /><br />and what i hate most, is that when she cries, my mom tries her best to figure out why she is crying and how to get her to stop.<br /><br />but if she happens to force herself into my room while I'M crying, she starts telling me that it's just a cop out, that it is all just an act.<br /><br />the other day, my mom got into an argument with me, just because i suggested that julie go into fashion design, rather than film because it is something that she has been interested in for years and has some experience with it. my mom, for some reason, got all self defense, and started raising her voice, going against what i was saying and twisting it all around. and what do you know, today julie decides that it's final that she is going into fashion design. and how does my mom react, she fucking supports her and says, "that's good!!"<br /><br />two nights ago, julie started crying hysterically and was accusing me of wearing her underwear and leaving blood on them.<br />first of all, i did not wear her fucking underwear, and second of all, i've missed my period twice already, making me UNABLE to leave fucking blood.<br /><br />my mom washed a bunch of clothes from the laundry room, mixing up mine and my sisters. my sister gets pissed off because some of it was not supposed to be mechanically washed, and my mom goes, "well, i don't know, i just washed it all, whatever was there." days later my sister is still complaining about it, and my mom says, "i'm sorry.."<br /><br />Now, I KNOW, that if I was fucking complaining about it for days and days, my mom would have said something like, "well you shouldn't have left all of your fucking clothes there and washed them so it wouldn't be such a mess" INSTEAD of "i'm sorry."<br /><br /><br />i will continue to exercise my independence. fuck you. i don't need you. but this just isn't fair. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:astrodolly:34912 2007-03-19T08:21:22Z 2007-03-19T08:21:39Z She was seduced by the dark side,<br>watch her fall,<br>on infinite doses to trap and enthrall.<br>Swallowed her whole, that deep dark lake,<br>to keep her in & away from being awake.<br>Beneath barren eyes, and tranquil lies,<br>succumbing to her own demise.<br><br>Falling further down <br>her spiraled void,<br>her flowing gown,<br>wilted, faded, torn<br>destroyed.<br><br>© 2007 Katastrophy urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:astrodolly:34761 2007-03-18T19:52:13Z 2007-03-18T19:52:13Z Sassy <br /><div align="left"><img width="94" alt="" src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v344/itchyitchy/babesbooksmaking.jpg" height="145" /><br />This book is so good, it makes me dream and learn and cry.<br />I can't wait for my future rock career..!<br />I sit at home all day, most of the time playing guitar, and I can't wait to get the fuck out.<br />Things are going to be so much better, they might be hard, but BETTER.</div> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:astrodolly:34325 2007-03-18T03:47:09Z 2007-03-18T03:47:09Z visage "fade to grey" i feel really sick right now.<br /><br /><br /><br />i think that i really like hanging out in the morning sitting in the middle of the sidewalk playing soft cell out loud drinking iced green tea waiting for the bus while some feet away from you are a group of bums having a picnic in the park. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:astrodolly:34215 2007-03-18T03:28:03Z 2007-03-18T03:28:03Z rozz williams This is my favourite sad story, Forget me not or I'll forget myself.<br />I've got a few things that I'm afraid of, Sometimes I just can't face myself.<br />This is my favourite sad story, Forget me not or I'll forget myself.<br />I guess I'll just tuck myself away tonight, you know it's been one of those days.<br />Every flower, every lovely flower,<br />every deadly flower hides its light inside of shame.<br />I do not know why you don't know, I cannot reap what you have sown<br />Beneath this blanket of loose soil, wrapped around my mortal coil.<br />Well a stem is not a rose, but that's how my garden grows<br />. I can't see the forest for the trees,<br />The stinking poison for disease. Now it's all shot to hell and back again.<br />I seek redemption for the same old sins and I fall on my knees,<br />I pray, that all the poppies they...<br />They will just fade away, but fields of poppies they remain.<br />That's how they found me last time, dead.<br />This if my favourite sad story, Forget me not or I'll forget myself.<br />I've got quite a few things that I'm afraid of, sometimes I just won't face myself<br />this is my favourite sad story, forget me not or I'll forget myself<br />I guess I'll just tuck myself away tonight, you know it's been one of those days<br />Every pretty flower, every lovely flower,<br />Every deadly flower hides its light inside of shame.<br />I do not know why you don't know, I cannot reap what you have sown.<br />Beneath this blanket of loose soil, wrapped around my mortal coil.<br />Irises lay in spring mud, where lovers drown each other's sorrows,<br />Where lovers dream about tomorrow. As for me, I drown another kind,<br />Sadness runs course through my veins. Posei wreathes they crown me.<br />My heart, My heart. I should just fade away, I should just fade away.<br />Fade away... like a flower. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:astrodolly:33996 2007-03-16T16:29:36Z 2007-03-16T16:29:36Z <object width="425" height="350"> <param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/MOMrslEMp94"></param> <embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/MOMrslEMp94" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="425" height="350" allowScriptAccess="never"></embed> </object> <br /><br /><br /><br />l guess there's just two kinds<br />of people, Miss Sandstone...<br /><br /> <br /> <br />my kind of people and assholes.<br /><br /> <br /> <br />lt's rather obvious<br />which category you fit into.<br /><br /> <br /> <br />Have a nice day.<br /><br /> <br /> <br />Eat the bird, bitch! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:astrodolly:33612 2007-03-16T16:22:25Z 2007-03-16T16:22:25Z <div align="center">It's supposed to be a tag for your bike, it came with stickers to write your name, I guess.<br /><br /><br /><img alt="" src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v344/itchyitchy/Photo14.jpg" /><br /><br /><img width="519" alt="" src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v344/itchyitchy/Photo13.jpg" height="247" /></div> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:astrodolly:33325 2007-03-16T07:08:32Z 2007-03-16T07:08:32Z <div align="center">Corrosive LADIES are having a sleepover...<br /><br />I still feel sick everyday. I still cry. I still feel uncomfortable. I still yearn company. I'm still insecure. I'm still very sensitive.<br />Everything is a trigger. I hate to 'need.' So I will stop. I don't need anything. Not you, not this, or that. I am my own person. I will use it if I want to. I will do things If I want to. I'm going to see Cirque Du Soleil perform... I'm excited!<br /><br /><img alt="" src="http://a499.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/46/l_8cfe550b2077218d08914a99cf641dea.jpg" /></div> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:astrodolly:33234 2007-03-16T03:46:54Z 2007-03-16T06:56:32Z <img alt="" src="http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d76/denizze_/ditchparty1.jpg" /><a name="cutid1"></a><div class="ljcut" text="pictures"><br /><img alt="" src="http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d76/denizze_/ditchparty220.jpg" /><br /><img alt="" src="http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d76/denizze_/ditchparty21.jpg" /><br /><img alt="" src="http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d76/denizze_/ditchparty22.jpg" /><br /><img alt="" src="http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d76/denizze_/ditchparty23.jpg" /><br /><img alt="" src="http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d76/denizze_/ditchparty211.jpg" /><br /><img alt="" src="http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d76/denizze_/ditchparty212.jpg" /><br /><img alt="" src="http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d76/denizze_/ditchparty216.jpg" /><br /><img alt="" src="http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d76/denizze_/ditchparty221.jpg" /><br /><img alt="" src="http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d76/denizze_/ditchparty2.jpg" /><br /><img alt="" src="http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d76/denizze_/ditchparty3.jpg" /><br /><img alt="" src="http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d76/denizze_/ditchparty13.jpg" /><br /><img alt="" src="http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d76/denizze_/PICT0006.jpg" /><br /><img alt="" src="http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d76/denizze_/PICT0008.jpg" /><br /><img alt="" src="http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d76/denizze_/ditchparty25.jpg" /><br /><img alt="" src="http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d76/denizze_/ditchparty26.jpg" /><br /><img alt="" src="http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d76/denizze_/ditchparty224.jpg" /><br /><br /><br /></div> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:astrodolly:32928 2007-03-14T07:44:45Z 2007-03-14T07:44:45Z Writing these are actually kind of fun. It makes me feel like i'm living a real life..<br /><br />SO, Friday I went to school and I'm on probation so I'm not allowed to be absent or anything or I will be kicked out, which does not matter to me, I do what I can to get by, I don't even care. And then after school I went to Shannon's place to jam which was really fun! We came up with more to our new song, it sounds like some weird maze/asylum and the beginning makes me think of worms traveling through swampy tunnels.. We took photo's together, and we did our makeup all cool(well Shannon's was nice, mine made me feel funny..) and I ended up spending the night at her house. Her cat slept on top of me.. <br /><br />Then the next day was SATURDAY, and Shannon and her mom dropped me off at Ricky's house at like 8:30am, and I played guitar hero 2 for like half an hour and then we set off to the Art District. The whole time in the bus, Ricky played a tape on his tape recorder out loud with 80's/90's dance songs, sooo it was a very very enjoyable bus ride... we got off at the last stop in Little Tokyo, and then went into Marukai and bought some stuff (sushi, japanese flan things, rice paper candy, hello kitty cookie things.) During class I was feeling kinda sick, maybe from lack of food/water, or from too many cigarettes, or both, and at one point my body got real funny feeling the way you get when you are starting to really feel dehydration..but as time went on, it went away. Class was real fun, my group had to act out as if we were going through battle in war.. I got shot in the leg and they dragged me, it was real funny.. we were only in photojournalism for half an hour because acting ran over time.. we had to choose two photos that we took and write why we liked them. Ricky wrote a poem to describe his, it was real nice. I wrote something, not poetry, just.. a story-like kind of writing about mine. At first I thought she wasn't going to like it, but she did.... which made me proud and happy. Then we got home, and I found a little packet of green stuff and an apple in my purse that Ricky put in there when I WAS NOT LOOKING(which I'm not going to use.) I changed my clothes, and then I went to the mall with my brother to meet up with Alex. They ate at Johnny Rockets (and Alex payed for my SODA POP,) and we played JAMES BROWN. and the service was horrible... then we bought tickets to NORBIT but instead we saw Reno 911:Miami or whatever that movie is called. It was kind of funny... it didn't seem like a movie though, more like a really long episode of Reno 911...<br /><br />THEN ON SUNDAY... I don't think I did anything.<br /><br />BUT MONDAY, I went to Carson High to pick up my little sister(little sister by a day) and we went to her house to pick up her amp. Then her grandma took us to Rite-Aid because we were supposed to wait for Kauri.. then we just went to Kauri's block and picked her up... then we went to my house. AND.. Kauri forgot her adapter at her house and none of the ones at my house worked. SOOO, we all took the bus back to her house and then back to my house, and finally we ready to jam. Well, almost ready, for some reason the tuning for the bass and guitar kept sounding off...but we fixed it. It was fun. I felt sick all day though... as usual, but I try not to let it affect me.. as much. Then Shannon had to go home, and then Kauri went home. And then I just started reading the Babes In Toyland book that Shannon took from the high school library for me. <br /><br />The book is very helpful, and inspirational, and motivating. I'm on chapter 6. I'm really looking forward to touring and everything good to come..<br /><br />Now today, Tuesday, I went to therapy. And before arrival, I was feeling very depressed. We didn't talk about that. We didn't talk about anything..well anything helpful. In the middle of my conversation about cats, I saw that my therapist eyes were closing..and then I saw that he fell asleep. Now that made me feel worse. I left with the "Well I don't need your help, I don't need ANYONE'S help" feeling. I told my mom that I don't want therapy anymore, but I didn't tell her why. I know that she will laugh at me. I got home, read some more, played guitar, screamed my head off, and then came up with something good. but I couldn't record it because my brother wasn't letting me, so that made me very sad and so I went to room and cried. Everything seemed so stupid, I thought that everything I did was a joke. My dreams will never come true. What is the point? That "good" thing I came up with was not even good. No one likes me, I have no social skills, I'm always feeling sick, I'm ugly, I'm not doing any good at school, my mom isn't proud of me, so on and so on... after my long cry, i wiped my eyes, and i started reading my book again. and it made me feel better. i still don't need any of you.. i'll make it myself. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:astrodolly:32480 2007-03-14T06:40:15Z 2007-03-14T06:40:15Z Would you really like to know how pathetic I am?<br />My therapist was falling asleep on me today.<br /><br /><br />... enough said. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:astrodolly:32087 2007-03-13T06:35:00Z 2007-03-13T06:35:24Z x-mal deutschland i*ve felt sick all day. my head keeps hurting. i*m still lightheaded. <br /><br />we travelled. then played some music.<br /><br />and now I am just even more sad and uncomfortable. i don*t know why... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:astrodolly:31758 2007-03-12T06:18:03Z 2007-03-12T06:18:03Z cruxshadows - deception <img alt="" src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v344/itchyitchy/MyPicture-1.jpg" /><br />without ribbon.<br /><br /><img alt="" src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v344/itchyitchy/MyPicture-2.jpg" /><br />with ribbon. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:astrodolly:31583 2007-03-11T09:55:59Z 2007-03-11T09:55:59Z i'm not already prone to neglect. i don't know why i still somehow expect others to appreciate my company. i don't know why i even care. i don't know why i get my hopes up. i don't know why i'm convinced my sorrow has completely ended forever, just because i was feeling okay for over an hour. i don't know why i fall for everyone so fast. i don't know why i think anyone would fall for me. no one wants a fucked up girl. no one wants to deal with me, no one wants to be with me. what am i supposed to do? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:astrodolly:31190 2007-03-09T07:55:43Z 2007-03-09T18:35:55Z <a href="http://ic1.deviantart.com/fs13/i/2007/034/8/7/stuck_by_ElisabethC.jpg"><img alt="" src="http://ic1.deviantart.com/fs13/i/2007/034/8/7/stuck_by_ElisabethC.jpg" /></a><br /><br />Today, really sick. And I spent 30 bucks on Italian food and barely ate ANY of it.<br />I made a skirt, but my ass is too big. I need to resize it.<br />"Why do you look so small? Have you been losing weight again?"<br />No, but I really should (and I will.)<br /><br />I finally had the guts to weigh myself today.<br />It's not over 100, but it's not under 95 either.<br />Disgusting. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:astrodolly:30499 2007-03-07T10:11:59Z 2007-03-07T10:11:59Z B-MOVIE nowhere girl don't have that much stuff in it, but i mixed all these (GLORIOUS) songs up and put them in my ipod.<br /><br />45 grave - slice of life<br />45 grave - black cross<br />45 grave - death march<br />45 grave - my type<br />45 grave - party time<br />a flock of seagulls - space age love song<br />alien sex fiend - in god we trust<br />alien sex fiend - comatose<br />alien sex fiend - r.i.p.<br />alien sex fiend - can't stop smoking<br />alien sex fiend - i walk the line<br />b-movie - nowhere girl<br />b52's - rock lobster<br />b52's - love shack<br />b52's - walk like an egyptian<br />bauhaus - (the entire 'in the flat field" album)<br />blur - girls and boys<br />buzzcocks - ballroom blitz<br />buzzcocks - what do i get<br />buzzcocks - ever fallen in love<br />buzzcocks - why can't i touch it<br />christian death - spiritual cramp<br />christian death - cavity<br />christian death - this is heresy<br />christian death - sick of love<br />christian death - deathwish<br />christian death - of the wound<br />christian death - romeo's distress<br />cinema strange - (the entire "the astonished eyes of evening" album)<br />cocteau twins - music for vampires<br />cocteau twins - garlands<br />cocteau twins - half gifts<br />cocteau twins - donimo<br />cocteau twins - cherry-couloured funk<br />cramps - human fly<br />the creatures - right now<br />the cruxshadows - (the entire "the mystery of the whisper" album)<br />the crushadows - (the entire "until the voices fade" album)<br />culture club - do you really want to hurt me<br />the cure - like cockatoos<br />the cure - grinding halt<br />the cure - the lovecats<br />the cure - the walk<br />current 93 - a gothic love song<br />the damned - alone again or<br />danny elfman - this is halloween<br />david bowie - china girl<br />david bowie - ziggy stardust<br />dead can dance - enigma of the absolute<br />dead or alive - you spin me right round<br />front 242 - quite unusual<br />fuzzbox - love is the slug<br />garbage - push it<br />garbage - androgyny<br />garbage - i'm only happy when it rains<br />garbage - stupid girl<br />gary numan - cars<br />godhead - eleanor rigby<br />gruesome twosome - hallucination generation<br />the jesus and mary chain - head on<br />joy division - love will tear us apart<br />joy division - interzone<br />killing joke - love like blood<br />kim wilde - kids of america<br />the knack - my sharona<br />london after midnight - trick or treat<br />lords of the new church - open your eyes<br />love and rockets - no big deal<br />ministry - everyday is halloween<br />missing persons - walking in l.a.<br />the munsters - theme<br />nina hagen - universal radio<br />omd - joan of arc<br />plasmatics - (the entire "new hope from the wretched" album)<br />psyche - goodbye horses<br />rasputina - all tomorrow's parties<br />rasputina - gingerbread coffin<br />rasputina - call me alice<br />razed in black - blush<br />rolling stones - sympathy for the devil<br />siouxsie and the banshees - jigsaw feeling<br />sisters of mercy - dominion/mother russia<br />sisters of mercy - alice<br />skinny puppy - suicide song<br />soft cell - tainted love<br />specimen - kiss kiss bang bang<br />strawberry switchblade - another day<br />strawberry switchblade - jolene<br />strawberry switchblade - since yesterday<br />strawberry switchblade - strawberry fields<br />stray cats - stray cat strut<br />this mortal coil - drugs<br />tin tin - toast and marmalade for tea<br />violent femmes - blister in the sun<br />virgin prunes - pagan love song<br />visage - fade to grey<br />xmal deutschland - mondlicht<br />xtc - dear god urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:astrodolly:30368 2007-03-07T09:42:23Z 2007-03-07T09:42:23Z tin tin <img alt="" src="http://a607.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/48/l_431c04d16c1babeffb45401f558337e6.jpg" /><br /><br /><img width="287" height="216" alt="" src="http://a401.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/15/l_a12400c41a6f58fdb96190ba017cd9a8.jpg" /><br /><br />we got a new computer that has a camera inside of it,so i took pictures. <br /><br />therapy was ..pointless. "it sounds to me you are allowing your life to just flow with the wind" i need to do things, set goals, pursue them.<br />usually it takes me 30 minutes to walk up that fucking hill, but the bus dropped me off 15 minutes late, so i had to powerwalk twice as fast. my face turns red in the sun, i hate it, and then i'm always afraid that i will tan(i hate tanning.)<br /><br />on my way home, i stopped by joann's. my mom finally gave me the 100 dollars she owed me. fortunately, i do not have to use it on my broken window, because the house is getting remodeled so it will be fixed without my money... so i spent like 30 bucks on fabric, pins, heart buttons, d-rings, eyes&amp;hooks, zippers, and black ribbon. i already made a fishnettie type shirt with some of the fabric i got. the rest of the fabric i'm using on skirts(red fish scales, mustard colord plaid, and a "boo" eye sets halloween textile) and i also got black velvet to make a halfie corset thing.<br /><br />i was like two blocks away from my house and sal pulls up in his giant truck thing and drove me home, it was pretty random.<br /><br />everyone's ditching school tomorrow, which means a kickback that suprisingly, I WAS INVITED TO! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:astrodolly:30090 2007-03-06T07:28:46Z 2007-03-06T07:28:46Z christian death i wonder how therapy will go......... i still don't know what i'm getting out of it.<br />i don't understand why my head must hurt every time i stand up or sit up or move it too quickly.<br />i'm tired of looking at myself.<br />i was too depressed to do any work today.<br />i did nothing, absolutely nothing today.<br />i make myself sick.<br />and i will probably never get to sleep tonight.<br />it's not fair.<br />i'm not going to apply for that job, either.<br />i have no time for it.<br />but i have all the time in the world.<br />i want to be.....<br /><br />go away.<br />next time, i will not control myself.<br />i will follow my thoughts, i make wiser decisions in that point where you are awake and dreaming.<br />it's not fair.<br />everything that goes into my body never comes out.<br />it's not fair.<br />it makes me look even fatter.<br /><br />i hate you when you tell me what i'm doing wrong, and what i need to do in order to fulfill MY dreams.<br />i know what i'm doing. for now, i'm stuck playing the role as the transparent pathetic soul moping around the earth, but later, i will be bigger than you all. you will kiss the ground that i walk on. that's a promise.<br /><br />i know what i'm doing. i know how to live. i don't want to live your life. i want to be.....<br />i want to be me.<br /><br />it's not fair. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:astrodolly:29723 2007-03-05T12:44:16Z 2007-03-05T12:44:16Z bauhaus i heard a very loud popping noise. and someone was called my name. at first i thought it was nothing, but it was something, because they said it again. sometimes i think it's only my brain giving off thoughts that somehow sound like another being, but this time i thought that maybe charlie was speaking to me. it seemed like him. i talked back to him, not out loud, in my mind. i can't remember what we spoke about though, because i went to sleep after. <br /><br />i didn't understand what was going on with my body, i was standing.<br />i can't move quickly or else my head will hurt.<br />i have to stand up or sit up carefully or else i will feel very dizzy.<br />everytime i walk past this one spot in the kitchen, my head begins to hurt.<br /><br />saturday i walked around little tokyo alone, and suprisingly, i did not feel fat amongst the naturally thin asian girls sitting and walking all around me. i began to feel extremely ill. it was either the hot air, the walking, or not eating..or a combination of them all. i tried to eat, but all i felt was death. it took long for my body to adjust to it, it was very sickening. i ended up puking it all out after.<br /><br />two days and i was not happy, but i was okay.<br />the days before that i was veryveryveryveryvery depressed.<br />i lied in bed all day and cried.<br /><br />yesterday, the levels were dropping. and today, they have dropped down down.<br />i hate how i can not expect someone to show interest in me.<br />i hate how if they did show interest in me, i would not be able to continue anything romantically.<br />i cannot let you know who i am. i cannot tell you about the things i do.<br />i do not want to scare you away.<br />i do not want to scare you into settling down with no other options.<br /><br />i also hate how i lack skills in communication, i hate how i always feel the need to hide.or.push.away.<br />i hate the way my mind works.<br />..but if it worked any other way, i would not know who i am.<br /><br /><br />i'm only comfortable being myself,.<br /><br /><br /><br /><b>enough about the wilted and worn, what is new?</b> i'm on probation at school, and i'm applying for a job. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:astrodolly:29602 2007-03-01T20:28:38Z 2007-03-01T20:28:38Z i do not fit in anywhere, in any way. in any situation. i am always out of place. a misfit. not personally, not physically, not even in my head, not even in your head. i don't think i will ever find my place, or ever feel safe, or ever think that i've found somewhere or something to call my home. i will never be like you, i will never look like you, you will never be like me, or think like me, or look like me, and i will never be comfortable. i feel alien. i am alien.<br /><br />and my therapist was right. no one wants to be with a person who cares too much about her weight. no one wants to deal or be put on a with a burden. no one wants to have the responsibilit of being with someone who is emotionally instable. if anyone ever says that they like me, or that they want to be with me, is lying. either they just do not know me, or they only like what they see on the exterior, they either 'like me' enough to get into my pants(which will never happen.) i will always be alone. that is not fine with me..i don't think it is. mabe in ways it has it's adavantages, i can continue doing what i do to myself, i can keep being ME. but lonliness can be depressing,<br /><br />i dont know. what to do. with myself.