I hear you in my head

test 1 2 3 4

toy attica

Toy Attica

TOY ATTICA

Toy attica

toyattica

toy attica

new journal

livejournal.com/~vomitxheart9

there hasn't been anything to get me to care, but my own image. i can avoid a mirror all day, and be okay.
what gets me the most is that i'm still.... still the fattest one. the least attractive, not even remotely close to what i'd like to be.
but it's all my fault, and if i weren't so weak, i would be able to fix it, at least a little bit..
and i know where i stand and i know i must pay, ramen is very easy to purge.

april first
april seven
april thirteen

bye.

my house is getting remodeled, and my room is going clean, it's sad. at least we didn't do the mural thing on the wall yet, that would've have been really sad.. i stopped eating anything that's not vegan. it's good in a way, to lower my cholesterol and hopefully lose some weight, but it's bad to know that i'm going depriving myself even more of nutrients..which i'm fine with, since i like not having a period, which is why i'm not taking my vitamins.. but i guess the worse is knowing what i'm doing is bad. besides that, everything has been the usual lately.. i'm sad, bloated(makes me even more sad because it makes me feel fatter,) and have been listening to lots of thrash metal..for some reason. but today i listened to my breeders mix c.d. like three times in a row, and it makes me feel like...flowing with the wind more than i already do. i quit going to therapy, that's what's new. i'm doing cynthia's hair on sunday. saturday is always....interesting. it's the only day of the week that i look forward to, it's like the day that i can just relax and get out everything and LIVE..it's a w hole adventure. running, dancing, listening to music out loud in public, riding busses, little mexico, cigarettes, bums, strangers, drinks, weather, little tokyo, grocery shopping, trying new things, little tokyo, shops, acting, meeting new people, screaming, going on field trips, downtown, environment, taking photos, learning, writing, drawing, making your mark...living...

i had a dream that i was trapped on a spider's web along with other people..it was'nt our bodies, but our souls, the devil gave us another chance to live and get away, but he had us like magnets, ...pulling us closer back to him through the snowy playground. my friend's whole body turned into a black abyss, which meant death, and i asked him if she died in this dimension, was her body still alive in the earthly dimension..but he didn't answer me.

i've been staying at my grandma's place.. something was wrong with me, i was terribly sad..i didn't know what to do. then my guitar was brought to me, and i realized that's what was missing from my life.. i needed to play music, i play music all throughout the day, and not being able to pick up an instrument when i want was making me feel strange and depressed. i had a dream that my best friend was my enemy, and we saw an amazing performance with a man singing with a giant red cone on his head and flying around all throughout the streets..but i couldn't enjoy it as much as i should have because my friend was my enemy, and it made me feel uncomfortable and unsure what to do.

everyday, i go through stages of emotions. but most of all, i will just want to scream fuck you and make your world a living hell.

I got out of my bed at 2pm. I have nothing to wake up to, to look forward to. There is no point.

She goes, "did you have breakfast?"
I say, "No."
She goes, "but breakfast is the most important meal of the day."
I say, "I can't eat, I have a double chin."
She goes, "Well then EXERCISE"


I see the unfairness in this, too.

the stupid bitch is all for attention. if she didn't want anyone to hear her crying, then she wouldn't have cried so loud. if she didn't want it to be noticed, then she would not have came out of the bathroom to go to the kitchen still crying.

hello, i cried a lot today. but i don't cry so fucking loud, and i don't let anyone see me. i don't want the fucking attention. i cry every fucking day, but i don't go out and scream and shit. she does it to draw attention to herself.

and what i hate most, is that when she cries, my mom tries her best to figure out why she is crying and how to get her to stop.

but if she happens to force herself into my room while I'M crying, she starts telling me that it's just a cop out, that it is all just an act.

the other day, my mom got into an argument with me, just because i suggested that julie go into fashion design, rather than film because it is something that she has been interested in for years and has some experience with it. my mom, for some reason, got all self defense, and started raising her voice, going against what i was saying and twisting it all around. and what do you know, today julie decides that it's final that she is going into fashion design. and how does my mom react, she fucking supports her and says, "that's good!!"

two nights ago, julie started crying hysterically and was accusing me of wearing her underwear and leaving blood on them.
first of all, i did not wear her fucking underwear, and second of all, i've missed my period twice already, making me UNABLE to leave fucking blood.

my mom washed a bunch of clothes from the laundry room, mixing up mine and my sisters. my sister gets pissed off because some of it was not supposed to be mechanically washed, and my mom goes, "well, i don't know, i just washed it all, whatever was there." days later my sister is still complaining about it, and my mom says, "i'm sorry.."

Now, I KNOW, that if I was fucking complaining about it for days and days, my mom would have said something like, "well you shouldn't have left all of your fucking clothes there and washed them so it wouldn't be such a mess" INSTEAD of "i'm sorry."


i will continue to exercise my independence. fuck you. i don't need you. but this just isn't fair.

She was seduced by the dark side,
watch her fall,
on infinite doses to trap and enthrall.
Swallowed her whole, that deep dark lake,
to keep her in & away from being awake.
Beneath barren eyes, and tranquil lies,
succumbing to her own demise.

Falling further down
her spiraled void,
her flowing gown,
wilted, faded, torn
destroyed.

© 2007 Katastrophy

i feel really sick right now.



i think that i really like hanging out in the morning sitting in the middle of the sidewalk playing soft cell out loud drinking iced green tea waiting for the bus while some feet away from you are a group of bums having a picnic in the park.

This is my favourite sad story, Forget me not or I'll forget myself.
I've got a few things that I'm afraid of, Sometimes I just can't face myself.
This is my favourite sad story, Forget me not or I'll forget myself.
I guess I'll just tuck myself away tonight, you know it's been one of those days.
Every flower, every lovely flower,
every deadly flower hides its light inside of shame.
I do not know why you don't know, I cannot reap what you have sown
Beneath this blanket of loose soil, wrapped around my mortal coil.
Well a stem is not a rose, but that's how my garden grows
. I can't see the forest for the trees,
The stinking poison for disease. Now it's all shot to hell and back again.
I seek redemption for the same old sins and I fall on my knees,
I pray, that all the poppies they...
They will just fade away, but fields of poppies they remain.
That's how they found me last time, dead.
This if my favourite sad story, Forget me not or I'll forget myself.
I've got quite a few things that I'm afraid of, sometimes I just won't face myself
this is my favourite sad story, forget me not or I'll forget myself
I guess I'll just tuck myself away tonight, you know it's been one of those days
Every pretty flower, every lovely flower,
Every deadly flower hides its light inside of shame.
I do not know why you don't know, I cannot reap what you have sown.
Beneath this blanket of loose soil, wrapped around my mortal coil.
Irises lay in spring mud, where lovers drown each other's sorrows,
Where lovers dream about tomorrow. As for me, I drown another kind,
Sadness runs course through my veins. Posei wreathes they crown me.
My heart, My heart. I should just fade away, I should just fade away.
Fade away... like a flower.

l guess there's just two kinds
of people, Miss Sandstone...



my kind of people and assholes.



lt's rather obvious
which category you fit into.



Have a nice day.



Eat the bird, bitch!

Writing these are actually kind of fun. It makes me feel like i'm living a real life..

SO, Friday I went to school and I'm on probation so I'm not allowed to be absent or anything or I will be kicked out, which does not matter to me, I do what I can to get by, I don't even care. And then after school I went to Shannon's place to jam which was really fun! We came up with more to our new song, it sounds like some weird maze/asylum and the beginning makes me think of worms traveling through swampy tunnels.. We took photo's together, and we did our makeup all cool(well Shannon's was nice, mine made me feel funny..) and I ended up spending the night at her house. Her cat slept on top of me..

Then the next day was SATURDAY, and Shannon and her mom dropped me off at Ricky's house at like 8:30am, and I played guitar hero 2 for like half an hour and then we set off to the Art District. The whole time in the bus, Ricky played a tape on his tape recorder out loud with 80's/90's dance songs, sooo it was a very very enjoyable bus ride... we got off at the last stop in Little Tokyo, and then went into Marukai and bought some stuff (sushi, japanese flan things, rice paper candy, hello kitty cookie things.) During class I was feeling kinda sick, maybe from lack of food/water, or from too many cigarettes, or both, and at one point my body got real funny feeling the way you get when you are starting to really feel dehydration..but as time went on, it went away. Class was real fun, my group had to act out as if we were going through battle in war.. I got shot in the leg and they dragged me, it was real funny.. we were only in photojournalism for half an hour because acting ran over time.. we had to choose two photos that we took and write why we liked them. Ricky wrote a poem to describe his, it was real nice. I wrote something, not poetry, just.. a story-like kind of writing about mine. At first I thought she wasn't going to like it, but she did.... which made me proud and happy. Then we got home, and I found a little packet of green stuff and an apple in my purse that Ricky put in there when I WAS NOT LOOKING(which I'm not going to use.) I changed my clothes, and then I went to the mall with my brother to meet up with Alex. They ate at Johnny Rockets (and Alex payed for my SODA POP,) and we played JAMES BROWN. and the service was horrible... then we bought tickets to NORBIT but instead we saw Reno 911:Miami or whatever that movie is called. It was kind of funny... it didn't seem like a movie though, more like a really long episode of Reno 911...

THEN ON SUNDAY... I don't think I did anything.

BUT MONDAY, I went to Carson High to pick up my little sister(little sister by a day) and we went to her house to pick up her amp. Then her grandma took us to Rite-Aid because we were supposed to wait for Kauri.. then we just went to Kauri's block and picked her up... then we went to my house. AND.. Kauri forgot her adapter at her house and none of the ones at my house worked. SOOO, we all took the bus back to her house and then back to my house, and finally we ready to jam. Well, almost ready, for some reason the tuning for the bass and guitar kept sounding off...but we fixed it. It was fun. I felt sick all day though... as usual, but I try not to let it affect me.. as much. Then Shannon had to go home, and then Kauri went home. And then I just started reading the Babes In Toyland book that Shannon took from the high school library for me.

The book is very helpful, and inspirational, and motivating. I'm on chapter 6. I'm really looking forward to touring and everything good to come..

Now today, Tuesday, I went to therapy. And before arrival, I was feeling very depressed. We didn't talk about that. We didn't talk about anything..well anything helpful. In the middle of my conversation about cats, I saw that my therapist eyes were closing..and then I saw that he fell asleep. Now that made me feel worse. I left with the "Well I don't need your help, I don't need ANYONE'S help" feeling. I told my mom that I don't want therapy anymore, but I didn't tell her why. I know that she will laugh at me. I got home, read some more, played guitar, screamed my head off, and then came up with something good. but I couldn't record it because my brother wasn't letting me, so that made me very sad and so I went to room and cried. Everything seemed so stupid, I thought that everything I did was a joke. My dreams will never come true. What is the point? That "good" thing I came up with was not even good. No one likes me, I have no social skills, I'm always feeling sick, I'm ugly, I'm not doing any good at school, my mom isn't proud of me, so on and so on... after my long cry, i wiped my eyes, and i started reading my book again. and it made me feel better. i still don't need any of you.. i'll make it myself.

Would you really like to know how pathetic I am?
My therapist was falling asleep on me today.


... enough said.

i*ve felt sick all day. my head keeps hurting. i*m still lightheaded.

we travelled. then played some music.

and now I am just even more sad and uncomfortable. i don*t know why...

without ribbon.


with ribbon.

i'm not already prone to neglect. i don't know why i still somehow expect others to appreciate my company. i don't know why i even care. i don't know why i get my hopes up. i don't know why i'm convinced my sorrow has completely ended forever, just because i was feeling okay for over an hour. i don't know why i fall for everyone so fast. i don't know why i think anyone would fall for me. no one wants a fucked up girl. no one wants to deal with me, no one wants to be with me. what am i supposed to do?

Today, really sick. And I spent 30 bucks on Italian food and barely ate ANY of it.
I made a skirt, but my ass is too big. I need to resize it.
"Why do you look so small? Have you been losing weight again?"
No, but I really should (and I will.)

I finally had the guts to weigh myself today.
It's not over 100, but it's not under 95 either.
Disgusting.